My mother has often told the story of when I was two and got stuck behind some pipes in the bathroom. She tried to help me but I literally slapped her hand so that I could figure it out myself. And I did.
I can still remember that feeling, as it has never really gone away. And while my mother did allow me that opportunity, she wasn’t able to continue letting me find my own way.
Of course, she wanted to keep me safe. Though she never said it, her perception of my ‘peculiar’ non-conforming personality probably scared the beejeebers out of her concerning the prospects for my future.
I seemed to have no boundaries and would go to any lengths to do things my way. It was all for the greater good, I felt even then. I came here with these gifts so that I could save the world. Or so I thought.
My family wasn’t prepared to give me the foundations of self-love; vital to even approaching such a task. As with many on Gaia, none of my predecessors received the love they required. Moving through life with such a strong personality without this root basic was akin to building a house on sand, and my world came crumbling down around me many times. I never could figure out why things had to be so difficult when my intentions were always for the best.
As we move with Gaia through the transformative energies of this now, this aspect of my personality has come full force. The offerings of channels and other ‘outside’ forces have held less and less value for me as I plumb the depths of my own soul.
The reasons for my fierce opposition to ‘help’ with what I’ve seen as my mission have been bubbling up from the hidden places within. Not all help have I rejected. Just those instances where I perceived doubt in my ability underlying the effort. If others do the work for me then how can I ever strengthen the muscle to do it for myself?
Ultimately, no matter how many friends and supports walk this path with me, my work must be done by me. Turning to face mySelf is never a rejection of anyone else’s good will. This integral part of my evolution has nothing to do with anyone else. Accepting this, and releasing responsibilities that were never mine in the first place, has been a huge leap.
I’ve known this on some deep level forever, but the lack of self-love only attracted the barbs and shadow projections of others. If I’m going to show up all bright and shiny, I’d better have back up. No external back up will do. It must come from my own soul.
There’s no manner of polish or lipstick that can cover over this truth, and no matter how much I pushed to be ‘positive’ or to exert efforts for others to prove my worth, without this key infrastructure, my life could come crashing down at any time. This healing and true love for Self is the work.
These last few months in particular, with the galaxies and Gaia aligned in a metamorphic dance purging all untruths, I’ve been forced within to face all parts of me. What I’ve found is that much I’ve been carrying around isn’t even mine and my ‘worthy cause’ of saving the world had trapped me in a web of unreality.
It was never my role to save the world, only mySelf, the greatest gift I could ever bring forth. The programming inflicted on society had convinced me that this was selfish and ignoble. But as I delved deeper within, facing the shadows I had run from for so long, much of what I had feared was unmasked as the heart of my greatest gifts.
Untangling the burdens, the ‘outside’ conversations that I had taken on as my own in some twisted form of love, has liberated me in ways I never dreamed of. Indeed, I was doing the same disservice to others I so vehemently resisted by attempting to take on their burdens. We are all equipped with the tools necessary to find our own unique paths towards self-mastery.
Now, I can touch the truth of that little, wounded child, stuck in the bathroom pipes, knowing without a doubt that she could find her way out. It’s a process, but my footing now rests upon the solid ground of loving mySelf. From here, the bounty of magnificence can shine, in full integrity.
On my early morning walk in the park the other day, I saw a little worm struggling to make it over the asphalt to the grass. My immediate thought was to pick it up, take it out of the path of the rising sun, and place it in a safe place. Then I realized the necessity for this little creature to find its own way. It’s a hard lesson on Gaia 101 and without it, sovereignty is lost. The process is Divine, no matter appearances.
I am grateful to be here, now, amongst the infinity of Divine sparks expressing in myriad forms. Such is the magic of our collective truth, rising from the depths of darkness, where the Inner Light is found.
Written for Gaia Scenics’ View
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