What does it mean in tangible terms to be a wayshower?
All of my life I have lived in the margins, not quite fitting in with societal trends and values. For decades I sat on the sidelines watching people marry, have children, climb the social and economic ladders of life, as they relaxed with their ball games, picnics and kitchen table gossip.
But I was never able to fit in. So I meandered about in a state of moody discontent thinking that there was something fundamentally wrong with my way of experiencing life.
At pivotal points of intersection I found friends and allies on the path of dysfunction and began to take pride in being an outsider, even a revolutionary. Railing and protesting the inequities of our times: Women’s rights, Anti-War and Social Justice became my rallying call.
This life became the source of great personal pride and kinship with those who resonated to these movements. But in the end these relationships proved to be paper-thin, based on projection and affirmation of self-hood. There was little below the surface to sustain and nourish my soul.
I sank into the dark night of misery once again feeling lost in a competitive world. I dropped out and settled for low intensity employment, shallow friendships and took to soft drugs and booze to soften the sharp edges of my internal confusion. Never could I muster the courage to jump into the game that I witnessed all around me.
This behavior proving to be less than satisfying, I found myself sinking into spiritual considerations and became a solitary creature once more. I found my passion in seeking. Looking into the lost books and myriad cultural teachings, taking insights from sages and purported masters of ancient mysteries and spiritual truths. I learned a lot, but finally realized that what I gained was a lot of information which in itself did not equal wisdom or any level of mastery within my own life.
But I had come to realize that self-mastery was what I truly desired and needed. So I let go of seeking and began to listen to the voices of discontent that rose from unknown places inside my being and I began to surrender to the unraveling path inspired by those voices.
To my salvation, the unraveling became the source point for making peace with myself, allowing me to finally let go of worldly things. As I grow deeper into my true compass I watch it all… all that I knew to be, fade away into pale gray.
The insights, feelings and experiences I’ve gathered are still here as a resource to draw upon but I no longer live in them. I live in the world of now and weave a fresh existence that comes from being in harmony with my soul’s deepest desires.
Written for Gaia Scenics’ View
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