I discovered a path of integration that helped reunite the fragments of my soul.
For me the first stage of this journey was to learn to distinguish which energies represented my being and which energies were adopted and internalized from outside influences.
When I started to mediate some thirty years ago I could not sit quietly for longer than five minutes before my mind became filled with painful memories, worries over my future, doubts about my capacity and fear of the outside world.
It was exhausting, because at that time I believed myself to be the content of my mind. I was, however, determined to learn to meditate.
What I discovered was that when I allowed my imagination to take hold, I was transported into worlds of wonder. My fears and worries would dissolve into great scenes of adventure and triumph. So my meditation became much like the daydreams of a child.
In these dreams I found real-world solutions to the events in my life, and unknowingly set the stage for who I was becoming. It seems that my imagination opened a portal through which my higher self could communicate and guide me.
My daydreams introduced me to what it felt like to be successful, to be in love and to have purpose in my life. After such a dream-like meditation, I found that my awareness would spontaneously sink into a deeper space where I found refuge from the thoughts swimming in my mind. After a time, I learned to go directly into that deep inner space where I felt at peace with myself.
I had learned to meditate, but was still living in two worlds, the one in my head and the one in my heart. Soon after, I was to discover that when I followed the dictates of my mind it lead to more troubles, while the inspiration that rose from my heart led me to greater resolution and self understanding.
Here I entered the second leg of my inward journey.
There was an expansion when I came to realize that I had such great depth inside my being, and I began to identify myself as that depth. But I could not reconcile why my thoughts were so adverse to my inner reality, and I believed that something was wrong with me.
So, I endeavored to remedy the problem.
I did this by going into my peaceful inner-space, and rather than take refuge, I began to breath in and out of that space, drawing that feeling into my body, into my mind and into the air around me. This transformed my life. While I still had much on my mind, I no longer lived in the everyday pain created by my thoughts and became entrained to the energy of peace and contentment.
But abhorrent thoughts still stabbed at me and triggered me in ways that were inconsistent with my choice to live and interact peacefully. My life became a seesaw of ups and downs. It sometimes took weeks or months to fully recover, and I realized that more was needed.
So, I began to write antidotes for myself in the form of affirmations. First, I designated a part of myself to keep watch and bring forth my attention at the start of an adverse thought. I had found that it is after repetition that my energy would fall.
I wanted to catch this adverse thought pattern and nip it at the bud.
I did this for quite a time. I might hear ‘I hate myself’ and counter with ‘I love myself!’ Or, ‘I am useless’ would become ‘I am whole, happy, healthy and complete in every way!’ On and on, relentlessly, I answered each adverse thought with its opposite to prevent my energy from slipping.
After a time, I came to believe in and resonate with that which I had affirmed.
It was then that I recognized the thoughts that I had struggled with were not really of my true being, but had been created through various systems of dysfunction in the world, through the family experiences and perhaps passed on to me through ancestral DNA.
But it didn’t really matter the source of adversity. I was able to balance and sustain my energies by dissolving the thoughts that would bring me down. This created more space for my inner environment to blossom and expand.
Insights began to come through on a regular basis, and my imagination exploded into recognition of dimensional reality. I came into direct contact with my spirit guides and entered into the next phase of my inner journey…
With the help of my guides, I began the arduous task of healing the wounds and releasing the adverse energies stored in the recesses of my being. A work still in progress, but I have healed so much that it astounds me.
Along with my guides help, I also found sustenance and healing from the energies of the natural world. The earth and sun, the trees and flowers, helped me to find balance whenever the journey became overwhelming. I would lie on the ground or put my heart against the trunk of a tree to drain myself of old pains kicked up through remembering. My guides’ gentle energies held me together as I processed long-held misconceptions and fears.
With each passage, my soul became a stronger presence in my awareness. In this awareness, I grew confident that I was not that which pained me, but that which lived in liberation. So, I clung to my soul and sank deeper into knowing my reality.
As the heaviness sloughed off my back, the vibration of my heart grew lighter than I ever thought possible. My imagination and dream space opened into greater vistas of experience, and I came to know my guides as dimensions of myself.
I traveled with them, in turn, into their world, into their embodiment as a human self, and together we healed that which I had carried from their existence into my own; as hidden memories of drowning, burning and transitioning. In my life, these hidden memories brought forth unexplained fear and trepidation that had blocked my own fulfillment.
In my re-experiencing these situations, I had no fear or pain. It was my counterpart that was in the moment of the experience, and it was I who could bring energy from my current existence to help in the healing.
In some instances, I relived the truth of an alternate experience in which our soul fragments retreated from the suffering of the body and returned to itself in Divine space, and in that Divine space became integrated into the fullness of our soul.
After each occurrence, the fragments of me and ‘they of the other life’ have continued together with both individuality and oneness of being. In this, I came to understand what it means to be multi-dimensional.
As I healed, my multi=dimensional experiences grew lighter in tone and my guidance more powerful. I began to receive greater gifts to experience in my current day-to-day existence, and out of my depths blossomed a capacity to forgive, to love myself and to feel the joy of being alive.
Written for Gaia Scenics’ View
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